Years ago, I learned an old (even for then) hymn, entitled "Safely Through Another Week". When I look back at the past year, I am tempted to change "week" to "year". After finding out just about this time last year that I was going to have to have open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve IF my heart could even stand the surgery in the first place, I don't take any day for granted any more.
I realize more and more that we are NOT guaranteed anything except the breath we are taking right now, and that the promise from God that I can trust implicitly is "I will not leave you comfortless". How does that directly impact my life? It makes me a VERY thankful person, and every time I open my eyes and find out I'm "still here", I stop and thank God for life.
I'm thankful for another day with my family - my friends - my church family - for yet ANOTHER chance to make some difference in the life of my world ... to matter in some significant way. No, it's not about "spotlights" and "loving the attention" or BEING "the center of attention". It's about, instead, paying it forward - - - it's about returning something to the world I live in out of deep and abiding gratitude for my life. If I had been conceived in 1996 instead of 1946, my mother could have easily made another choice than that of giving me life. She followed that choice with the decision to put me up for adoption, and I am grateful.
I think that it's knowing the choice she made then to give me life and a chance to do something with it, that gives me a sort of "drive" to do something with it that I would be proud to report to her when we meet in the hereafter. She sacrificed so much to carry through with her choice, and I can't allow myself to do less. People sometimes wonder what drives me, and why I won't "retire". It's this and nothing more.
Charles Wesley, the hymnwriter of the Wesley Brothers duo, wrote these words, and somewhere along the way, they took root in my own heart and spirit:
A charge to keep I have,
A God to glorify.
A God to glorify.
A never-dying soul to save
And fit it for the sky.
To serve the present age,
My calling to fulfill.
O, may it all my powers engage
To do my Master's will.
Arm me with jealous care,
As in Thy sight to live.
And, oh, Thy servant, Lord, prepare,
A strict account to give.
Help me to watch and pray,
And on Thyself rely,
Assured if I my trust betray,
I shall forever die. "
Charles Wesley (1707-1788) - Public Domain
SIDEBAR As I typed those lyrics, I realize that I have sung THIS hymn for years and years and years, by heart, and I always substituted zealous for jealous. Do you understand what "jealous care" is? I had to spend a few minutes thinking about it, and another few minutes reading the Synonym List in Roget's Thesaurus. There are many synonyms listed and I found several I like - - - wary, vigilant, watchful, zealous, and questioning are just a few.
Anyway, back to my thankfulness for life . . . without the heart surgery, I had maybe three months to live (the doctor never told me that until well after the surgery!) Having faced my fears, extreme as they were, and having chosen "LIFE", I am in a different place THIS year.
What seemed to be a major roadblock, becomes the "road less traveled" to better health and well-being. How could I be OTHER than thankful for both the thorn and the rose?
"Safely through another week [year] God has brought us on our way.
Let us know His blessing seek, waiting in His courts today."
See you tomorrow!!!
I am, quite frankly, in awe of you. I think you are who you are because of the trials you have endured, from the traumatic ones in your past to the ones which have come most recently. For some these trials would have beaten them down, but you have chosen to rise above, rather than allow these things to get the better of you.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I rarely think in terms of "mattering", and I'm not consumed with making sure I leave the world a better place because I was there. I suppose it has to do with the rather pessimistic, view that there is little I really am capable of doing - so why try?
I suspect you live with this abiding sense that you really weren't supposed to be here" due to the nature of your birth. So -- I now wonder if you feel that it's job to PROVE to yourself (and maybe to the world?) that you, in fact, ARE worthy of being here -- and you work to do this by making a difference ... by mattering ... by "paying it forward" almost (imo) beyond what a "normal" (what is normal?) person would ordinarily think is their responsibility. (This, of course, comes from my vantage point) But -- does not God say that we matter JUST BECAUSE WE "ARE"? Does God ask us to prove our worth over and over? Just questions and food for thought...
I do know that if I were in your shoes after your heart surgery, I would probably have a new view on life - one that is not in my consciousness now. As we all age we see our own limited mortality. Yet - to see it as close as you were required to see it is something that is life changing. I can see and understand your immense gratitude for life itself, in a way that I still take for granted.