Day #6 For Over Half a Century of Singing . . .

"With a voice of singing, declare ye this,
and let it be heard  . . . 'Alleluia!'" 

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who had big blue eyes and long light brown ringlets, and she was always either reading books or trying to pick out tunes on the piano. That little girl was me.  I started piano lessons when I was four . . . it would have been sooner but back then, there was an unwritten "rule" that children taking music lessons must be able to read first.  I learned to read the summer I turned three, and was pretty good at it by the time I turned four. 

One of the things I loved as I grew older was "Junior Choir" at our church.  We sang frequently, and we were the beneficiaries of some wonderful teaching,  As I grew, my voice matured, and by the time I was 12 or so,  I was drowning out other children in the "Junior Choir".  I didn't mean to, but it just happened most of the time.  I was allowed to join the Chancel (Adult) Choir at the age of 14, and I loved it.   I couldn't wait to take voice lessons and get a formal education in singing.  

At some point in time during those years, I decided I wanted to "major" in Church Music and become a choir director and organist.  My father wasn't too keen on it because he wanted me to be a concert pianist  . . .  said I'd never make any money in church music. Well, of course not!!!  Who goes into full-time Music Ministry for the purpose of "making money"? 

I sang in a number of groups and choruses and choirs . . .  and when I wasn't singing, I was playing for them to sing.  I went on several tours with church choirs and played in some really neat places!! There are some remarkable places that I might have missed otherwise!  I've been in the St. Louis Arch, for instance, and I've been on Asateague Island and seen the wild ponies at Chincoteague Island.  What a preparation for life and for maturing in my faith journey.  What gratitude I feel for those experiences in North Georgia Methodist Churches across the years.  What a JOY it has been to work with true "artists" and leaders in Church Music . . . I am totally humbled when I remember all of this!

I was privileged to sing for two seasons with Robert Shaw and the Atlanta Symphony Chorus, and I sang solos for several years in productions of "Messiah" with the Tara Choral Guild.  I've accompanied some major groups and artists, and folks in the Atlanta Opera Company several seasons - - - years ago. 

I did major in Music Education at the U of Ga, because I wanted to do public school music and be just like Mrs. Wiggs,  my music teacher at Garden Hills Elementary School in Atlanta. She was "THERE" for me the year my father died right after I started first grade, and again when my mother died at the end of the third grade.  She was my rock and my mentor, and I think of her almost daily and the influence she had on my life - personal and musical.  She would let me sit next to her on the piano bench during music class, and I learned early on to turn to music for comfort - to accompany groups for singing - to love public school music teachers - in short, to soothe myself during times of complete and total chaos at home. Thank you, Mrs. Wiggs . . . I'll see you again some day and thank you in "person".  I hope you will be proud of me and the contribution I've tried to make to "pay it forward" because of you!!   

This post is not meant to be my CV, and I have to stop with the listing of my "credentials" because I'm beginning to feel like I'm bragging, and that's the furthest thing from my mind. I'm telling you all of this in order to explain how cataclysmic something is that is happening in my life.  

I was good . . . not great, but good. I've had a wonderful Fifty-Five years of singing the praises of God through the music of the church I love. The picture is one of me directing the choir and congregation during our Christmas Cantata in 2003 at the Clarkston United Methodist Church in Clarkston, GA.  Even though I love being "retired",  sometimes  I still really miss my "job".  I loved being involved in helping to plan worship.  

As I said earlier, it was when I was a little girl that I decided that I wanted to be an Organist and Choir Director in a Methodist Church    For many reasons, this "dream" didn't come true until 1995 when I became the Director of Music at the church my husband and I were appointed to serve in College Park, GA (Cliftondale UMC).  We spent seven wonderful years there, six of which (for me) as the Music Director.

When we moved in June of 2001,  I assumed I would not have another chance to be the choir director, but one year after we got there, the Director of Music Ministries retired, and I was given the "job" and spent the next three years as the Director of Music Ministries.  

I was right when I was a little girl . . . I really *DID* want to be a Choir Director and Organist. I consider myself lucky to have had a chance to fulfill a childhood dream. 

(taking a deep breath for a minute) - - - it became crystal clear to me tonight (Wednesday) at choir practice that I'm done.  I'm going to have to quit singing.  It's been coming for a long time, and, while I'm still young enough to have more years in front of me as far as singing goes if everything was as it should be (normal?),  I had some damage to my vocal cords from being at death's door on a ventilator in 1997 following emergency surgery to remove a third of my colon, and I've never quite recovered, although I've continued to sing in choirs, in community choruses,  at funerals and weddings, etc.  Several more surgeries, and time on ventilators, has further diminished the quality of my voice, and following my open heart surgery last December and the time on the heart/lung machine,  it has completely 'gone'. 

It breaks my heart.  I had a meltdown in choir practice last night.  We're working on Christmas music, which I particularly love, and the selections we will be doing are gorgeous!! It washed over me that I may not even make it long enough to contribute anything meaningful to the choir THIS Christmas, and that is making me crazy sad . . .  it physically hurts.  

It means also that I am rapidly approaching the point where I have NOTHING to offer to the music program of my church, which I dearly love,  except my hands at the piano/organ.  If the severe Arthritis that is putting me in constant pain - - - spine and neck and hips - - - gets to my hands, even that is done. 

OK - the choices I have before me are (1) keep struggling and being sad, with more meltdowns possible;  (2) sink into a deep, dark depressive episode; or (3) face reality - take the steps I need to take - feel the pain and grieve and move on. 

I choose # 3 and I do so with immense gratitude to some fine church music programs over the years - some lifelong friends in the Atlanta area AGO (American Guild of Organists) and mostly to God, Himself, for the talent, the heart, the will, and the determination to give something of what *I* have in the love of this music.  

In the words of an old Gospel hymn,  "Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?  Why should my heart be lonely . . .His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." 

In the words of another song I used to really enjoy playing and singing,  "With a voice of singing, declare ye this and let it be heard, 'Alleluia'" . . .  my heart will go on singing NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Later . . .